Monday, November 24, 2008


Writers block is a bitch. I promise i'll be back soon.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The Malefactor (Zloumyshlennik)

I wake up running. The DMT is making my world look flat like through a window, this is the best way to see India when you really don't wanna be there.
The hospital has let us out on day release, me and Squizz took some DMT at the chicken shop and now I'm running.
Squizz disappeared, not sure were he is, don't even care, if i did wouldnt be much doin about it. A kid gets in my path, gets in my way and i skip him swiftly, no problem.
There's so much rubbish in india, my hospital smock is getting snagged on things, bins, scrapmetal hitten my shins. Stray dogs curse me and the wrestler that's chasing me, that Doc ain't gonna catch me I'm too high, too sharp, he's blunt like wet clay.
I can see a huge pyramid of boxes, I'm gonna go for it, just sixteen more steps, when I get to two I dive into the brown geometry with their hard soft right angles, scrambling through edges and planes I can see home on the other side.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Sometimes The Bar Eats You

So its been a week now since Jonas and I opened our new bar, Eightballs (jonas' name not mine) the first few nights were slow, just old people and tramps, which I dont mind, except when they use the pool out back.
By friday it was packed I couldnt believe it, the money, money, money was on my mind, we were rich I tells you, the calf paid outs, but getting a drink was a nightmare even for a co-owner. The back bar by the pool had seven barpeople, all of them very good looking but completley incompetent. I found out later that Jonas, had just found them on the dancefloor, so I fired them.
I wasnt huge on the crowd, it was half ravey kids and Harlem Globetrotter and the rest trashy, not my scene at all, but Jonas was loving it, dancing around being mr social. The music was quite good; Country and Electro, they even played that song from Nathan Barley. After failing to get a drink I stumbled outside and saw Andy, he had the same feelings as me so we went and had Pizza.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I'll Keep It With Time

The morning didn’t seem that different, except it felt like the late Renaissance. I hoped this feeling would pass before the afternoon. I had noticed the blackness earlier that week and payed it no mind, but now it was hard to ignore as it crept in from the horizon, enveloping tall buildings as it moved.
I was awoken to the danger by Colombo, who told me it’s over, that the storm was a blackhole. “Jesus” I thought, “At least that explains the Renaissance.”
I left Colombo and went to the sandwich shop by my house. I was meeting my friend Andy for lunch, which due to the distortion in space and time had come earlier than expected. Andy and I sat down and ordered some food , he had a chicken, I had BLT. He told me he was bored and needed a change of locale. This made me upset “Change? Change enough! This blackhole is gonna be the end of all!”
“Yes, that may be true, but I still need a girlfriend” said Andy. Andy’s reaction to the end was peculiar, as was everybody else's. Nobody seemed at all concerned, everybody just went about their usual business as a vast blackhole sucked up everything light first into it’s void. It seemed, from some of the people I spoke to, that they thought the problem was fleeting, which isn’t untrue I suppose.
After lunch I found a nice spot and sat and stared the blackhole, it was fascinating to watch, even meditative, seeing everything suck up into the blackness, like watching a sinking ship disappear into the sea.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Story Of Our Time

We were approaching the middle of the evening when we stumbled upon the opening night of one of those new arty bars, the kind with lots of shiny things you can’t touch, and installations by various contemporary artists, you don’t like, the whole thing was a wank. but we didn’t care, We just stumbled in with an Irish confidence and headed for the bar.
Jonas and I ordered a drink and then had a look round. The bar was really quite extravagant, PR and Marketing types strutted around drinking and squawking at each other in high pitched tones. Watching these creatures made a rumble in my tummy so I went in search of a toilet. After a long search I eventually found the bathroom, it wasn’t nearly what I expected, there was only one toilet and it was perched on top of a large double bed. Thinking this must be some new fangled Japanese thing I climbed aboard and relaxed.
I was quite comfortable sitting on this strange soft throne when I started to noticed an absence of things that usually go with a toilet, like graffiti and plumbing, I had also failed to notice the crowd that was starting to gather who were now laughing and and looking away at my embarrassment, then it hit me, “THIS ISN’T A TOILET ITS A FUCKING ART INSTALLATION AND I’M SHITTING ON IT!!” I panicked and tried to finish up, it was very embarrassing. I wiped myself clean, jumped off the bed and ran to the bar to hide and order a drink.
After my drink I decided to recover some dignity so I went back to the room hoped up on the bed and bowed before the crowd, this seemed to work and the people reciprocated by clapping and laughing and pointing. As i looked over the small crowd, I caught glimpse of an older lady who seemed awkward and out of place, she was very drunk and kept wooing at nothing in particular. This made me feel uneasy and I retreated back into the crowd and back to the bar.
I was half way through my eleventh vodka lime soda when I heard a bad commotion coming from the other room. Drunk and curious I went to investigate and what I found was nothing less than disturbing. The drunk woman who had earlier made me uneasy was now on the bed/toilet/art, lying naked with her legs spread in the air spewing feces into the air and on herself. The crowd stood in shocked silence unsure of what was happening, a few started vomiting into their glasses, while others just vomited on themselves. When the woman saw this reaction from the crowd she paused and started to cry, she then began to try and wipe her self clean but this only seemed to make it worse, and her cries became louder as she spread the horribleness all over herself for another 5 full minutes before help arrived.
Security closed off the room and escorted the people out, and all that remained was a 40 something woman covered in shit and a security man trying to contact her husband.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

When I'm Not On The Run, I'm Walking.

So i had commited a crime i couldnt remember doing. Thats not to say i didnt commit one, i just couldnt remember. I shared a cell with a man named shakey. He were called shakey cos when he wanted badly to make murder, he would get the shakes. That dude was always shakin round me.
Me and him decided to make a run for it, so when the time was right we jumped the fence and ran.
The first place we ran was a Chinese restaurant. He were hungry and i wanted Lemon Chicken. After a little while he got the killing shakes and left the table to find a victim. At this point I figured it were a good time to leave so i got on my bike and rode.
I must of been riding for about forever when i came across a house with a room for rent. The people seemed nice, hippy types, they was activists, im not sure what they activised but they seemed commited. They had a photocopier which they seemed to place a lot of value in. they loved that thing, they would print up all manner of flyer and brochure about all kind of thing, it was sacred to them, like a beige monolith.
All good things come to an end, which is exactly waht happened when late in the evening the police arrived. i figured it best not find out why they was here so i quickly packed up my things and headed for the back door, as i was about to make my careful exit a hippy stopped me and asked if i could take the copier, keep it safe from harm, safe from the brutish arms of the law. I accepted and ran.
The Police caught up with me eventually, on a staircase at a French airport, Shakey was with them, he was a detective now.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Is it cruel or kind not to speak my mind...

So me, Caine and Michael Caine decided meet down by the company yacht for a drink. It was pissing with rain and i’d just been on the bad end of a 75 hour flight so i really wasnt up for much. Anna had cracked the shits and gone home, but i thought why the hell not.
By the time we all got down there it was full of drunk chicks and toddlers all drinking tomato and guava daiquiris and listening to Beyonce. “Fuck this shit” i thought as a horrible shriek shot through my spine, it was nothing murderous, just the sound of women and children mixed with potent alcohol. I escaped this terrible scene and headed upstairs but all i found was a bunch of people staring at a dog licking its own balls, thats when i realised we were in Sydney. Then i sang a Libertines song as a man fell off his scooter.

Im ओके, You're OK

You know what i mean. Bruce Willis and me piloted our giant cunting robot and then went to go meet my girl on the moon, but the fucking gremlins started cutting the wires and inviting zombies on board so me and Bruce grabbed our flamethrowers and burnt those fuckers like Joanie burnt Chachi at the highway motel when the shit went down. Anyway we finally got robot running down the runway and away. then we ate cramel corn and watched Mighty Mouse.
good day.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Things Are That Bad

I had just finished my University degree. They gave me a lovely piece of paper and a new Volkswagon, and then it happend, i never thought they would make it this far but they did. The Mongol hordes led by Atilla himself had invaded Tasmania. How he got through the big gates is anyones guess, maybe a lazy gatekeeper or something. Luckily for us the Viscount had provided guns to every man, woman and child (thanks to a last minute vote in the senate the previous night.) The Mongol hordes spearmen and archers were no match for our magnums and colt45s, it was a massacre. During the skirmish i saw a four year old child highfive another four year old after what must have been a successful shot.
I dont know what happended after that i think i had toast.

Free Personal Lapdance

I decided it was time take a stand, so I organised to meet Tim and Nicole down at the local McDonald's. When I arrived they were arguing about how One doesn't like Two all that much, and how Tim won't spent enough time with her. The moment seemed right and I pulled over my 150 foot stack of restaurant chairs that I had amused myself with during the verbal tussle. I then grabbed my Happy Meal and started climbing. About half way up Nicole yelled "You can't do it, its not stable enough." but I kept going. Finally I reached the top, sat my ass down on the highest chair and ate my McDonald's.
From the top of the 800 foot stack of chairs i could see the whole of Sydney, Jees I hate Sydney. Anyway I spied my buddy Jonas' house off in the far distance so I thought I would visit and see whats going on.
When I arrived nobody was there so I proceeded to let myself in. As I was opening the door I heard a noise coming from the side of the house so I went and investigated. I poked my head around the corner and there was none other than Joe Dolce (had a hit single with 'whats a matter you') and Sammy Davis Jr standing there searching for shit to steal. They looked like they were on smack, all dozy and mumbly. "Those junkie fucks arn't going to get away with this, not on my watch." I thought to myself as I was leaving.